Benny has lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed, knowing his end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons are with him. He has asked for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready, he begins to speak:
"My son Doug, my eldest, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My sweet daughter, Kelly," Benny continues, his voice quivering, "you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son Kevin, ... my youngest..." Benny begins coughing. " I want you to take the offices ... over in the Marathon Government Center."
"And Cathy, my dear wife, please take..." his voice almost failing, Benny continues, "all...yes all (cough) the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound." He lapses into almost inaudible wheezing.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings. As Benny slips away, the nurse whispers to his wife, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The asshole only had a paper route."
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Remember, next time you hate your life, it's all about perspective. I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time, yet complains about how much he hates prison.
MOVING ALLUSIONS
GREAT GRANNY'S 100th BIRTHDAY PARTY
by A. Non
"Grams" (a great grandmother) was sitting in her wheelchair, out on the lawn, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. As always, she had her pen and little note pad with her. She couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time, "Grams" started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A short time later, a nephew who arrived late came up to her and said, “Hi, Grams, you're looking good! How are they treating you?”
She took out her little notepad and slowly wrote this note to him: "Okay...but they... won't... let me....... fart! "
A young preacher whose wife was expecting their first baby went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, the members passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After the preacher's wife had their sixth child, this constant family expansion, which had become very expensive, caused the congregation to hold a meeting to reconsider the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the congregation. "Children are a gift from God," he said. His congregation fell silent.
Then, a little old lady in the back pew stood up and in her quivering voice said as loudly as she could, "Rain is also a gift from God. But when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation clapped and shouted, "Amen!"
COVID CHRISTMAS AGAIN
CULTURED CATS
A Memories Book Bit:
The Naked Lover's Excuse:
A Jim Windsor Joke
Professor Barry Wood's Memory
Excerpt from page 168*
Editor's Note: Having demonstrated CNC's President James C. Windsor's traits of "forbearance, integrity, and rationality," in this part of his essay Barry Wood gives an example of Dr. Windsor's fourth important character trait: his sense of humor.
He could tell a joke and could find his place in a joke. To illustrate, every year, in June, we held a dinner meeting for the communities' leaders, both to review the year completed and to look forward to the year ahead. Jim had made one of our usual points--that we were at the bottom of all public colleges and universities [in Virginia] in funding per student. I believe it was Senator Hunter Andrews who interrupted to observe, "Well, someone has to be at the bottom."
Jim paused in deference, but then replied: "Hunter, that reminds me of a story--it seems that there was this young couple who had just moved into a new house, and after the husband had left for work the next morning, the young wife's old boyfriend showed at the kitchen door, only to find the young wife still had passionate feelings for him. And so passion filled the air. As it happened, the young husband, remembering too heatedly his prior night, had turned his car around and sped home.
When he opened the front door calling 'Honey,' shock waves went through the kitchen. The young wife opened the refrigerator and said to her lover, 'There's nothing in here--so hide there.' The ardent husband comes into the kitchen, and seeing his wife naked, sweeps her into his passion, only to hear a strange noise coming from the refrigerator. He quickly lets go of his wife, opens the door, and, amid his shock of seeing a naked man, shouts 'What are you doing in here?'
To which the clothesless man replied--'Well, everybody has to be somewhere!' So you see, Hunter, being somewhere does not always make it right." Hunter, being himself a rather clever jester, laughed a good laugh--as did the whole crowd. Well, after the next General Assembly Budget Session, we were still in last place. But Jim, reassuming patience, still smiled.
*“James C. Windsor: President, 1970-1979," by Barry Wood, in Memories of Christopher Newport College: The First Decade, by A. Jane Chambers, Rita C. Hubbard, & Lawrence B. Wood, Jr. (Hallmark, 2008). TO ORDER BOOK: Send check for $20 made out to Jane Chambers to: Dr. Jane Chambers, 15267 Candy Island Lane,Carrollton, VA 23314. The money (minus mailing cost) is donated to the CNC First Decaders' Treasury.
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Published September 1, 2017.
Published again August 20, 2021.
GARY LARSON'S INSECTS
On March 15, 1989, a newly discovered insect species was named after Larson by Dale H. Clayton, head of the Committee of Evolutionary Biology at the University of Chicago. The Strigiphilus garylarsoni is a chewing louse of a genus found only on owls (Wikipedia).
DOGS TEACHING OTHER DOGS
Using a Public Women's Restroom
by A. Non
edited by A.J.C.
When you have to use a public restroom, there's usually a line of women, so you smile politely and join the line. When it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You don't care that the stall door won't latch because you're about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for paper seat covers is handy, but empty. There's no door hook either, so you drape your purse around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance"--which causes your aging, toneless thigh muscles to begin shaking. You can't sit down because you didn't take time to lay toilet paper on the seat. You reach for the toilet paper dispenser. It's empty. Your thighs shake more.
Remembering the tiny tissue you blew your nose on yesterday, you look for it in your purse hanging around your neck, trying not to strangle yourself in the process. Finding it, you try to make it as puffy as possible. You remember too late Mom's rule, "ALWAYS carry A LOT of Kleenex with you!"
Someone suddenly pushes open your unlatched stall door. It hits your purse, hanging in front of your chest, and you topple backward against the toilet's tank. "Occupied!" you scream. Reaching for the door you drop your tiny tissue into a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the WET TOILET SEAT. You bolt up, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat.Your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew. You're certain HER bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat, because "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get!"
The automatic sensor on the toilet is so confused that it flushes. A fire hose stream of water hits the inside of the bowl, spraying a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush sucks everything down so forcefully that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser, fearing you might be sucked down too. Wet by the water and seat, and exhausted, you try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your jacket pocket, pull yourself and clothing together, and then stagger from the stall to the row of sinks.
The automatic faucet on the one unoccupied sink isn't working, so you rub your hands on your damp legs, then stick them into your jacket's pockets to dry. You avoid eye contact as you hurry past the line of women still waiting for open stalls. A kind soul at the end of the line points out some toilet paper trailing from your shoe. You yank it off, thrust it into her hand, and say warmly, "Here. You might need this."
Exiting the restroom, you spot your hubby, who entered, used, and left the men's room half an hour earlier. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long? And why is your purse hanging around you neck?"
You decide it's time to explain to him why it takes us women so long to use a public restroom...(REST? what a misnomer!). Time also, maybe, to answer another male question--why we go to public restrooms in pairs, whenever possible. It's so the other gal can hold the stall door closed, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door! That's what female bonding in public bathrooms is all about! And "bathroom" is another wrong name. We don't go there to bathe, but sometimes we are showered... unexpectedly.
A young woman was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and monotonous one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, the young woman tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with her passenger. The old woman just sat silently, however, looking intently at everything she saw inside and outside the car, studying every little detail. Then, noticing a brown bag on the seat next to the driver, she asked. “What's in bag?” “It's a bottle of wine," said the young woman. Pleased to get a conversation started, she added cheerfully, "I got it for my husband!”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then,speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
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Published May 8, 2021
HONORING OUR MOTHERS
THE OBEDIENT WIFE
There was a man who had worked so hard all of his life that he had been able to save much of his money. But he was very stingy. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money out of my secret safe and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And he got his always obedient wife to promise to do as he wished.
Well, he died. During the short ceremony, he was stretched out in his open casket, his wife sitting nearby, dressed in black, and her best friend sitting next to her. After the ceremony ended and the few mourners left, the undertakers got ready to close his casket, but the wife stopped them.
"Wait just a moment!" she said.She pulled a small metal box from her purse and put into the casket. Then the undertakers locked down the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Girl, surely you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian wife; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I would put that money into the casket with him."
Her shocked friend said, almost screaming, "You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him !?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my own bank account, and wrote him a check for the full amount. It's in the box ... . If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
AREA 51
TEEN'S HAIRCUT DEAL WITH DAD
A teenage boy who had just passed his driving test asked his father when they could discuss his use of the family's car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grade average up from a C to a B, study your Bible a little more often, and get that long hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the deal, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've noticed you've been studying your Bible more, but I'm disappointed to see you've not yet had a decent hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my close reading of the Bible that Samson had long hair, which made him strong, and that John the Baptist had long hair, and Moses had long hair too. And all the pictures I've seen of Jesus show him with long hair." He paused, rubbing his peach-fuzzed chin, then added, "And a beard, too."
His father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Four engineers were driving to work in one of their company’s Car Pool vehicles when the SUV suddenly broke down. All gave their opinions about the problem and its solution.
The Chemical Engineer said, “Sounded to me like the engine’s not getting gas. We need to phone a gas station.”
The Mechanical Engineer said, “No. I think a rod broke. We need to phone for a mechanic.”
The Electrical Engineer said, “I think there’s something wrong with the electrical system. I can take a look at it.”
The three then looked at the Computer Engineer and one of them asked, “What do you think?”
The Computer Engineer said, while opening a door, “I think we should all get out and then get back in.”
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Published March 5, 2021
GOOFY VALENTINE GIFTS
HOMO SAPIENS'
NOTABLE FIRSTS
ALLUSIONS
Living Life Backwards
by Woody Allen
Woody Allen in 2015. Wikiwand photo.
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous; then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
Phyllis Diller was born in 1917 in Lima, Ohio as Phyllis Ada Driver and died in her Brentwood, Los Angeles, California home of natural causes at age 95 in 2012. According to her family, she died in her sleep with “a smile on her face.” An only child, she had earned a college degree, studied piano seriously at a conservatory for three years, married and given birth to six children (one died shortly after birth) by her first husband, Sherwood A. Diller, made movies, written books, and—most importantly— cracked the ceiling for women as stand-up comediennes. Here are some of her best one-liners on the topics of herself, housework, children, and her husband, "Fang."
On Herself
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench.
On my honeymoon I put on a peek-a-boo blouse. My husband peeked and booed.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, "Who'd steal it?"
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.
On Housework
The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors? Eat out
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven. There's only room to bake a single cupcake.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note for him, saying "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under their bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen; then he came into their bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser, drop his keys there, and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on the note, then picked up the phone and called someone. "She's finally gone!" he exclaimed. "Yeah, I know. It is about time. I'm coming to see you right now! Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you ... can't wait to see you ... we'll do all the naughty things you like!"
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard his car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he had written: "I can see your feet. We're out of bread. Be back in five minutes."
Published November15, 2020
PUMPKINS
Published October 30, 2020
The Frankenstein Monster's Bizarro Life
Published October 17, 2020
ALLUSIONS
Published October 2, 2020
SOCIAL DISTANCING
Back two wingspans, Buddy!
2020 Class Picture
Published October 2, 2020
Published September 18, 2020
BIRDS OF A FEATHER
Retardment in Sleepy Holler
by A. Non
Edited by Miss Marple
One January, a teacher asked her young pupils to write about how they spent their winter holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We use to spend holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They use to live in a big brick house. But Grandpa got retarded so now they live in a little house in Florida that has rocks painted green to look like grass. The retardment place is named Sleepy Holler. Which is a good name for it, because mostly the people there sleep alot, even in the day time. And sometimes you have to holler to wake them up.
Grandpa sold his car when he got retarded. Now they ride around in a golf cart. He let me drive it some. That was fun! They go to a building called a wreck center. They must of got it fixed because it is not wrecked now. All the people there wear name tags because they dont know who they are. They do exercises there, but they dont do them very good. Theres a swimming pool inside there too, but they all just jump up and down in it. I guess they dont know how to swim.
At the Sleepy Holler gate, theres a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night--Early Birds. Ugh! Some of the people can't get out passed the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring good food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
Grandma says that Grandpa worked hard all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
The Pastor of a large church asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.A young woman stood up and walked to the front. She said, "I have some praise to offer. Two months ago my dear husband had a terrible bicycle accident, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating for him, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
There were muffled gasps in the congregation, especially among the men, as they imagined the pain that poor man must have experienced.
She continued, "My husband was unable to hold me or the children, and I couldn't allow the children to get near him for fear that they would hurt him. Any movement by him caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of my injured husband's scrotum. They were able to wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."
Almost all the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they tried to imagine the horrible surgery performed on the woman's husband.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Good Lord, he is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time and with proper rehab, his scrotum should recover completely." Smiling through tears, she went back to her seat.
The congregation now sighed with unified relief. Some of the men even loudly exclaimed "Amen!" and "Praise God!"
The Pastor rose and hesitantly asked if anyone else had anything to say. A young man sitting next to the woman who had just spoken stood up and walked gingerly to the podium. In a quiet voice, he said, "I'm her husband," nodding toward his wife.
The entire congregation held its breath. He looked the group over before he said, "I just want to tell my wife and everyone here today that what was crushed was ... my sternum."
An elderly lady handed her bank card to a female bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
When the young woman told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM,” the elderly customer asked, "Why?"
The teller irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There are other customers waiting behind you.” She then returned the card to the lady, who stood silent for a moment, but then returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The young woman was astonished when she checked the customer's account balance, which was $3.5 million dollars. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to her, “My apologies, M'am, but our bank does not hold so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment to see our manager and come again tomorrow?"
The lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller replied, “Any amount up to $300,000.”
The elderly woman then told her that she wanted to withdraw $300,000.It took some time for the young teller to complete this transaction, but she did so without complaint, then handed the cash to her customer respectfully.
The elderly lady put $500 in her purse, handed the rest back to the teller, and asked her politely to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
MORAL:
Don't be rude to the elderly. They can easily outwit the young, the disrespectful, and the dumb.
Published July 3, 2020
FATHERS' DAY FUNNIES
Published June 19, 2020
Chaos at the
Tickle Me Elmo Factory
by A. Non
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys for very young children. The red doll laughs when someone tickles it. High school student Helga gets a summer job at the factory and reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m. At 8:45 the factory's Foreman knocks urgently at the Personnel Manager's door, throws open the door, and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that Helga is so incredibly slow that the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line way behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo dolls piling up all over the factory floor. At the end of the line stands Helga, surrounded by mountains of red Tickle Me toys. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the teenaged girl.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday .... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
Thanks to Danny Peters ('71) for sending this one.
Easter is coming soon, but the churches will all be closed and everyone will be staying home during this COVID-19 pandemic. How will faithful Christians deal with this loss of one of their two major religious celebrations? Online church services might start new (and cheaper) trends in Easter outfits, and churches might find new ways to fill their pews.
By late April, those who did not purchase in a panic 100 rolls of toilet paper in March, might run out of toilet paper. If so, what will they do to maintain their most personal hygiene?
At least a hundred years ago, Midwestern novelist and journalist Edgar Watson Howe (1853 - 1937) wrote: "If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers." Today we can add to that observation "and fathers."
Social Distancing is a major new rule we all have to follow to protect ourselves and others from COVID-19. And people have various ways of following that rule.
Although apparently immune to this sometimes deadly new disease afflicting the Earth, animals both domestic and wild are sometimes drawn into its vortex ... sometimes happily so; sometimes not.
Journalist Linda Ellerbee (b. 1944) once wrote: "I have always felt that laughter in the face of reality is probably the finest sound there is and will last until the day when the game is called on account of darkness. In this world, a good time to laugh is any time you can."
While walking down the street one day a US senator is, tragically, hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in."
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Seriously? Then, I've made up my mind," says the senator. "I want to be in heaven." "I'm sorry, but I have my orders."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him in days gone by.
Everyone is very happy. They're dressed nicely and having a great time. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go visit heaven.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.The elevator goes up, and the door reopens on heaven. where St. Peter is waiting for him and says, "Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps, singing, and worshipping the Almighty God. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well now, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity,” he says.
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said this before ... I mean, heaven has been delightful ... but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday I was campaigning ... Today you've already voted."
This story is from LOVE & HOPE, a podcast by DAVID McELROY, who describes himself as "a writer, photographer and filmmaker in Birmingham, Ala.,who plans to become benevolent dictator of the world just as soon as he recruits enough devoted minions to make it happen. He’s been a journalist, political consultant and small business owner. He’s widely considered the worst housekeeper on the face of the planet, and it’s rumored that the local Health Department has been trying to condemn his place for years. This is probably part of the reason he lives alone — with one dog and three cats."
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Published January 24, 2020
SUPER HEROES IN
TIGHTS AND CAPES
KEEPING YOUR BRAIN CELLS HEALTHY
January is an appropriate time for us Senior Citizens to test our mental acuity, to be certain that our little gray cells are still working well. Test your brain's health by answering the following questions without peeking at the answers at the bottom.
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
2. A clerk at a butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 shoes. What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the President’s name in 1985?
9. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say: "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
1. Johnny. 2. Meat. 3. Mt. Everest. It just wasn’t discovered yet. 4. There is no dirt in a hole. 5.Incorrectly (except when it is spelled incorrektly). 6. Billy lives in the southern hemisphere. 7. You can’t take a picture with a wooden leg. You need a camera (or iPad or cell phone) to take a picture.
8. The same as it is now. 9. You would be in 2nd place. You passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Neither. Egg yolks are yellow.
11. One. If he combines all his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
NOTE: This excerpt is from comedian Jeff Foxworthy's 1996 autobiography No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem, of which he said that no more than 50% of the material is lies. A brief biography of Foxworthy is at the end of this story.
..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jake's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I spent an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning Jake called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. Jake quickly said, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jake said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jake's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed. Then suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The dog howled. I snorted cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants, and Granny threw down her napkin, and stomped out of the room.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health, and she went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
JEFFREY MARSHALL FOXWORTHY (b. 1958 in Atlanta, GA) is a comedian, actor, radio and TV personality (host of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?") and author of six comedy albums and a number of books based on his "You might be a redneck" one-liners. Jeff is also a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour that includes Larry the Cable Guy. Jeff and his wife Pamela Gregg, who have been married over 30 years, live on a farm in Georgia and have two grown daughters (source: Wikipedia).
We welcome your FEEDBACK. Send to
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Published first on December 14, 2014.
Republished December 23, 2016.
Updated version published November 29, 2019,
with identity and photos of author, Jeff Foxworthy,
THREE WISE MEN
AND
WISE WOMEN
Published December 13, 2019
SEASONAL STRESS
Published November 29, 2019
THANKSGIVING
Published November 15, 2019
IRONIC ALLERGIES
Published November 1, 2019
CARTOONS
MONSTER MONTH
Published October 18, 2019
GETTING OLD
Published October 4, 2019
CHICKENS
Published September 20, 2019
Squirrel Invasion
by A. Non
One summer all of the four houses of worship in a small town in the Midwest were invaded by squirrels to the point that something had to be done to rid the buildings of these rodents.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the area near the baptistery. The deacons met to decide what to do about them. Knowing squirrels are naturally curious, the deacons decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery overnight, hoping the squirrels would drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and instinctively knew how to swim, however, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
Meanwhile, the members of the Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. Having heard that the Baptists had a squirrel removal plan that was expected to work, the Methodists humanely trapped their unwanted squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back, however, when the Baptists took down their water-slide.
The Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Afterwards they only saw them at Christmas and Easter.
The Jewish synagogue had the best solution though. The worshipers trapped the first male squirrel they saw and circumcised him. They saw no more squirrels in their building after that.
The Frog's Bank Loan
by A. Non
A frog goes into a bank andapproaches the teller. Hecan see from her name platethat her name is PatriciaWhack."Miss Whack,” he says, “I'd like to geta $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog indisbelief and asks his name.The frog says his name isKermit Jagger, his dad isMick Jagger, and that it'sokay, because he knows the bankmanager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with somecollateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager andsays, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there whoclaims to know you and wantsto borrow $30,000, and hewants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pinkelephant. "I mean, what inthe world is this?"
The bank manager looks backat her and says, "It's a knickknack, PattyWhack. Give the frog a loan.His old man's a RollingStone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?Yeah, I know you are.)
(Come on now, you grinned! I know you did.)
Sent by
Danny Peters (BS, 1971)
Published September 20, 2019
CARTOONS
BACK TO SCHOOL
Published September 6, 2019
MOSQUITOES
Published August 23, 2019
IMPOSSIBILITIES
by A. Non
1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap. (Don’teven try!)
3. You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out. (Put your tongue back in your mouth, silly.)
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9. You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone does it too.
10. You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it too.
Sent by Danny Peters (BS, 1971)
WIRELESS PHONES AND A
1926 PREDICTION
Published August 9, 2019
SUMMER HEAT
Published July 26, 2019
Grandma's Birth Control Pills
by A. Non
A doctor who had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new young doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. Looking through these, his eyes grew as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”
"Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out, patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”
You gotta love Grandmas!
Thanks to Danny Peters (BS, 71) for this one.
Published July 12, 2019
HOUSEFLIES
Published June 28, 2019
ALLUSIONS
Published June 28, 2019
Wishes Granted
by A. Non
A married couple, both 65 years old, were celebrating their 40th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and "poof " -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish my wife was 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy again waved her wand and " poof " -- the husband was 95.
Published June 14, 2019
FROGS
God Learns about Lawn Care
by A.Non
One day in May, while God was looking down at the planet Earth, he had the following conversation with St. Francis.
GOD: Frank, You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on planet Earth? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and other wildflowers I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan, with plants that grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from their long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green squares and rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: Hmm....Well, the spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD (incredulous) : Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: Well then, I guess these Suburbanites are relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. Creating the trees was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. They grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. Then, in the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have created a new cycle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD (exasperated): Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Published June 24, 2016
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SENIOR ROMANCE
Published May 31, 2019
Don't Mess with Mama!
by A. Non
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing? I asked. Her talking about my "doing-something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you are going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card. I e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses? This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh man, I am in trouble again," I said. "I really do not know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went quiet. Then her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.
Published May 17, 2019
SPEED BUMP INSECTS
By Cartoonist Dave Coverly
Published May 17, 2019
DEGREE DAZE
Published May 3, 2019
MOSES
Published April 23, 2019
VISUAL PUNS QUIZ
A PUN is a play on words. VISUAL PUNS play on words through usually wordless images (photographs, cartoons, drawings, etc.) that evoke word play meanings. They are like small puzzles that the viewer solves by looking at the clues in the images.
ANSWERS to visual puns range from single words to phrases such as well-known sayings. For example, an image of an ball with a eye on it suggests the word "eyeball"--or maybe the saying "Keep an eye [or "your eye"] on the ball."
CAN YOU SOLVE all of the visual puns below? The CORRECT ANSWERS will be posted below the images NEXT WEEKEND (April 12-14) and remain there until April 18.
1
2
3
4
5
6
ANSWERS to the above quiz:
1. cantata
2. deviled egg
3. chicken pot pie
4. Dr. Pepper
5. card shark
6. catfish
Your Duck Is Dead
by A. Non
Sent by Danny Peters (BS, CNC,'71)
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
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Published April 5, 2019
PARENTING
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Republished March 22, 2019
The Hat Box: Or,
The Secret of Marital Harmony
By A. Non
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other—except that the wife had a large old Victorian hat box on the top shelf of her closet that was locked, and she had cautioned her husband never to try to open it or ask her about it.
For all of those years, he had never thought about that big old hat box, but one day, his wife got very sick, and soon the doctor announced that she would not recover. It was time for the elderly couple to sort out their affairs. The wife told her husband to get the hat box and bring it to her bedside. He did so, and she told him where the key was, so that he could open it.
Inside the hat box he found two little crocheted dolls, and beneath them, many stacks of cash—paper money held together with twine and rubber bands and labeled as to amounts. He quickly realized the stacks totaled many thousands of dollars. Amazed, he asked her about these things.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The old man was so moved that he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. He realized she had been angry with him only two times in all those years of their marriage. He almost burst with happiness.
"Oh, my darling," he said, "that explains the dolls. How wonderful! But what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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Republished March 22, 2019
DOGS versus CATS
Published March 8, 2019
EVOLUTION
Published February 22, 2019
Elderly Woman's Marriages
by A. Non
A local news station was interviewing an 80-something-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again as an octogenarian, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
The newsman thought that was interesting. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
The little two-letter word UP has more meanings than any other two-letter word in English. It can be used as an adverb, an adjective, a preposition, a noun, or a verb. It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? And when we get out of the bed, why do we say we are getting UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP , and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We callUP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warmUP the leftovers and cleanUP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
Often this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. Teenagers hook UP and then they breakUP . To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP aboutUP ! Is UP something good or something bad? When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, the earth soaksUP the water. When it does not rain for a long time while, the earth dries UP.We pull UP to the pump to fillUP our car's gas tank, and we tell teenaged boys to pull UP their sagging jeans.
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look UP the word UPin the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UPto it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.
I'll wrap UP this discussion now . My time is UP . . . so I'll just shutUP ! And remember, whenever you're in a tight spot, follow the advice given below.
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Published August 17, 2018
INSECT INSIGHTS
Published August 3, 2018
FORGETFULNESS
Published July 20, 2018
WELCOME TO HELL
Published July 6, 2018
SPELLCHECK AT THE MONASTERY
by A. Non
with thanks to Danny Peters (B.S., '71)
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the
R!
We missed the
R!
We missed the bloody
R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was
CELEBRATE
Published June 22, 2018
BIZARRO MOMENTS ON THE COUCH
HONORING FATHERS
A.A.A.D.D.—A Growing Malady!
by A. Non
with thanks to Sharon Melson
The symptoms are subtle. I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail boxearlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So I put the bills on the table and decide to take out the garbage first...
But then I think: since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. When I take my check book off the table, I see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study. So I go inside the house to my desk, whereI find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, so I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I put my glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I’d better put it back in the den where it belongs. But first I'll water the flowers. I pour too much water in the flower vase, so quite a bit spills on the floor. I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall—trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The hose is still running, to the delight of neighborhood kids.
The car hasn't been washed and the garden’s not been watered.
There is a hot can of Pepsi sitting on the kitchen counter.
There’s still only one check in my check book and the bills aren't paid.
I can't find the TV remote. I can't find my glasses.
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
When I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder: A.A.A.D.D. – Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
The only known treatment is… lots of Sticky Notes!
Do you suffer from A.A.A.D.D. too?
Published May 25, 2018
HONORING MOTHERS
Published May 11, 2018
GOLFERS
Published April 27, 2018
FOR THE EDUCATED
Published April 13, 2018
PASSOVER AND EASTER SMILES
Published March 30, 2018
ALMOST SPRING
Published March 16, 2018
Humorous Public Restroom Signs
by A. Non
Collected from the Internet
Published March 2, 2018
NOAH'S ARK
Published February 15, 2018
Amusing Interactions between
Grandparents and Grandchildren
by A. Non
& A.J.C.
The 3 of us were sitting quietly in the back seat of our family car--our grandmother, my baby sister (age 4 or 5), and I (14 or 15). Our grandmother suddenly began coughing and clearing her throat. Baby sister, seated between us, asked with some concern, "What's wrong, Nanny?" "Oh, I've got a frog in my throat," Nanny replied. After a few moments of silence, little Gini asked, "Can I see it?" [A.J.C.'s memory]
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandpa, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and then said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her by pointing out something and asking what color it was. She would tell me and she was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grammy, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said… “How do you make babies? " “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised. “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
Note: Do you have an amusing grandparent - grandchild story to share? Send it to us at cncmemories61_71@yahoo.com.
Published February 2, 2018
SNOW TIME
Published January 19, 2018
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 2018
Published January 3, 2018
ChristmasCarols &SongsExam
ChristmasCarols &Songs Exam
The following words are alternate titles for several well-known Christmas Carols & Songs. If you get 100% correct, you will be assured a full Christmas stocking! Have fun!!
Quadruped with crimson proboscis__________________________
5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise___________________________
Miniscule hamlet in the far east ______________________________
Ancient benevolent despot ______________________________
Adorn the vestibule ________________________________
Exuberance directed to the planet ____________________________
Quadruped with crimson proboscis —Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise — Silent Night
Miniscule hamlet in the far east — O Little Town of Bethlehem
Ancient benevolent despot — Good King Wenceslas (or some believe in Jolly Old St. Nicholas)
Adorn the vestibule —Deck the Halls
Exuberance directed to the planet — Joy to the World
Listen, aerial spirits harmonizing — Hark the Herald Angels Sing
Monarchial trio — We Three Kings
Yonder in the haystack — Away in a Manger
Assemble, everyone who believes — Come All Ye Faithful
Hallowed post meridian — O Holy Night
Fantasies of a colorless December 25th — I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas
Tin tintinnabulums — Silver Bells
A dozen 24-hour Yule periods — The Twelve Days of Christmas
Befell during the transparent bewitching hour — It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
Homo sapien of crystallized vapor — Frosty the Snowman
I merely desire a pair of incisors — All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
I spied my maternal parent osculating a fat man in red — I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus
Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy — Walking Through a Winter Wonderland
Aloft on the acme of the abode — Up on the Rooftop
YOUR SCORE:
15 – 20 Correct — You don’t need any Yuletide spirit!
10 – 14 Correct — You could use something in your stocking!
5 – 9 Correct — Are you sure you have the right holiday?
1 – 4 Correct — Surely you jest!?!
Published December 22, 2017
DOGS AND CATS
AT CHRISTMAS
Published December 8, 2017
BLACK FRIDAY
Published November 24, 2017
TURKEY TRICKS
Published November 10, 2017
HALLOWEEN HEE HEEs
Published October 27, 2017
BIZARRO PUNS
Published October 13, 2017
Modern Art
Published September 29, 2017
DOCTORS AND PATIENTS
Published September 15, 2017
DINOSAURS
Published September 1, 2017
Dr. Seuss’s You’re Only Old Once!
Reviewed by A. Jane Chambers
I like nonsense; it wakes up the brain cells.
Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. –Dr. Seuss
Theodor (Ted) Seuss Geisel—not yet ancient.
A friend gave me a copy of Dr. Seuss’s You’re Only Old Once! A Book for Obsolete Children a decade or so ago. Thinking I wasn’t old enough to read it, much less “Obsolete,” I just smiled, said a polite “Thank you!”—and put the book aside. Recently, I came upon it while doing some cleaning. I sat down and read it. And I laughed, and then I laughed some more. I’m old enough to read it now! And maybe you are, too. In fact, you don’t have to be very old at all to enjoy this delightful little book about a balding Everyman who patiently endures the poking and prodding (and “pilling” and “billing”) that are part of his medical checkup with all sorts of weird specialists (like “Oglers”) at the “Golden Years Clinic.”
If you’ve had or known a child, or just owned a TV, you know who Dr. Seuss is, but here are a few facts you might not know (courtesy of GOOGLE): that “Seuss” was in fact the middle name of Theodor (Ted) Seuss Geisel (his mother’s maiden name), that “Seuss” does NOT rhyme with “loose” or “goose,” but with “voice” (no kidding! “voice!”), and that though he is probably the most famous writer and illustrator of children’s books in the world, Dr. Seuss and his wife of many decades had no children, though they sometimes pretended they had a daughter to brag about when the braggers got to them at cocktail parties.
Dr. Seuss celebrated his 82nd birthday, in 1986, with publication of You’re Only Old Once! He died four years later (1991), at home, at age 87, attended by his second wife. I hope you’ll enjoy the following excerpts, and if you decide you want a copy of this book, for yourself or for someone else, go to GOOGLE and type in the title. There are copies galore available, new and used, ranging from $1.99 (Barnes & Nobles) to $12.05 (Wal-Mart).
Our hero is wheeled throughout the Golden Years Clinic, to speed up the testing process.
“The Oglers have blossomed like roses in May! And silently, grimly, they ogle away.”
“They’ll test you with noises from far and from near and you’ll get a black mark for the ones you can’t hear.”
Dr. Van Ness, with “pioneer work in the Study of Stress,” administers his stress test.
The What-When-Where-Why Pill Drill.
The most painful part of the Clinic ordeal: signing those papers that mean you'll be billed.
The happy ending.
Published July 5, 2013
Republished August 4, 2017
Dan Piraro'sBizarroCats
Published July 21, 2017
A Cup of Tea for Grandpa
by A. Non
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe two and a half years old.Someone had recently given me a children's tea set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea," which was just cold water. He praised me and said how "yummy" my tea was, so of course I brought him several more cups.
Then Grandma came home, and Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a "cup of tea," because it was "just the cutest thing!"Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with another cup of "tea" for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said (as only a grandma would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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Published July 7, 2017
OFF THE LEASH, by Rupert Fawcett
Published July 7, 2017
GARY LARSON'S FAR SIDE FUNNIES
Published June 23, 2017
Computer's Gender?
by A. Non
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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Published June 23, 2017
PUN TIME AGAIN
Published June 9, 2017
Your Yearly Dementia Test
by A. Non
Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.
The answers are after the picture below, which will help you think. Don't peek! Don't cheat! Okay, relax, clear your mind, and begin.
Question 1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," just give up now, and go do something else.And try not to hurt yourself!If you said "bread," go to Question 2.
Ques. 2. Say "silk" 5 times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't even attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. However, if you did say "water," proceed to Question 3.
Ques. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and apink house is made from pink bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading this?? PLEASE, go lie down!!But, if you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
Ques. 4. Do not use a calculator for this:
You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus, and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off, and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off, and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off, and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.
Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!!
Don't you remember your own age?!? It was YOU driving the bus!!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray that they do better than you!
Thanks to Danny Peters (Class of 1971).
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Published June 9, 2017
MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND
Published May 26, 2017
Humorist Dave Barry's Colonoscopy
Note: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Below are excerpts from his column published on February 22, 2008, with cartoons added by your website's editor. At age 60, Dave finally had a colonoscopy, after learning that one of his brothers had been diagnosed with early stage colon cancer.
Photo of Barry by Gregg Lewis.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!"
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called "MoviPrep," which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.... I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, "a loose, watery bowel movement may result." This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room ... where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate. "You want me to turn it up?" said Andy, from somewhere behind me...."Ha ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling "Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine," and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
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Published May 12, 2017
COW CHUCKLES
Published May 12, 2017
Living Life Backwards Plan
by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
Published April 28, 2017
EASTER EGGS AND BUNNIES
Published April 14, 2017
The Hotel Bill
by A. Non
A recently widowed older woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday bystaying overnight in a really nice hotel. She enjoyed the sunset view from her balcony, the large flat-screen TV , and the king-sized bed.
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for$300.00. Shocked, she demanded to know why the charge was so high. "Certainly this is a very nice hotel," she said, "but my room wasn't worth $300.00 for just anovernight stay! I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $300.00 was the "standard rate" and breakfast hadbeen included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the manager. The clerk left briefly to get him. Shortly afterwards, the manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced with authority:"Madam, this hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which areavailable for our patrons."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.He went on to say that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel dinner shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world performing here," he said proudly.
"But I didn't go to a dinner show," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," he replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't useit!" and he countered with his standard response.
After several more minutes of discussion, and with the manager still unmoved, shedecided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. He was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, thischeck is for only $100.00."
"That's correct," she replied. "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
" But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well," she said. "I was here, and you could have.” She winked, laughed, and promptly left.
Don't mess with Senior Citizens!
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Published April 14, 2017
When THE IRS gets THEIRS
Published March 31, 2017
Softball in Heaven
by A. Non
Two 90-year-old men, Will and Zack, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Zack is dying, Will visits him every day. One day Will says, "Zack, we both loved softball all our lives, and we played league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's softball there."
Looking up at Will from his death bed, Zack replies, "Will, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Zack passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Will is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Will? Will?!."
"Who is it?" asks Will, sitting up suddenly.
"Will, it's me, Zack," says the voice.
"You're not Zack! Zack just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Will," insists the voice.
"Zack? It's really you? Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Zack. "And I have some really good news! ... and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Will.
"The good news," Zack says," is that there's softball in heaven! Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again! and healthy! Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic!" exclaims Will. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!... So, what's the bad news?"
After many years of searching, I have finally found a doctor whom I like. His advice makes such good sense to me that I have recorded him during my visits. I am happy to share his answers to my questions with you. I hope his advice will clear up any misconceptions you might have had about food, drink, exercise and diets.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Italians drink lot of wine; have fewer heart attack than Americans.Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Germans drink lot of beer; have fewer heart attack than Americans. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one. Fat good for you. Germans eat lot of sausages, lot of fat. Have fewer heart attacks than Americans. Mexicans eat lot of fat. Have fewer heart attacks too..
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
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Published March 17, 2017
Spring Equinox ... or EquiNOT?
Published March 17, 2017
Grandparenting
Published March 3, 2017
Two of Dr. James C. Windsor's Favorite Jokes
by A. Jane Chambers
On Friday afternoon, February 10, 2012, several hundred former CNC students, colleagues, and friends of CNC'S second president, Jim Windsor, gathered in the new Gaines Theater in The Freeman Center to enjoy "A Tribute to Dr. James C. Windsor," a program which was followed by the Dedication of the Dr. James C. Windsor Center for Health & Counseling Services in one wing of Freeman.
It was a joyful occasion, during which speeches honoring Dr. Windsor were given by his son, James L. Windsor, and his close friend and colleague, Barry Wood, and a plaque was awarded to Jim by CNU's President Paul Trible. While both young Jim and Barry gave wonderful and primarily serious speeches about the qualities of CNC's former president, both also included examples of the elder Jim's delightful sense of humor.
Young Jim, a lawyer, told this joke, one of his father's favorites:
A cannibal goes into the butcher shop to buy some human brains. He sees that:
accountants' brains are $10 a pound;
doctors' brains are $20 a pound;
rocket scientists' brains are $30 a pound; and
lawyers' brains are $80 a pound.
The cannibal asks the butcher, "Why are the lawyers' brains $80 a pound?" The butcher says, "Do you know how many lawyers' brains it takes to make a pound?"
Young James L. Windsor speaking. CNU photo.
Barry Wood delivering his speech. CNU photo.
Barry's speech included a joke Jim had told him recently, over lunch: Two attractive young ladies were walking beside a lake on a very hot day when they decided impulsively to take off their clothes and go swimming. A man soon appeared on the shore with a bucket in his hand. In shock, the girls told him that they would not rise out of the water until he had left the lake. The man said, "Girls, I'm not interested in seeing two naked women. I'm here to feed the alligators."
Presidents Trible (left) and Windsor in front of the Windsor Center in Freeman Hall. CNU photo.
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Published March 3, 2017
Men and Women:
Two Different Species
by A. Non
with thanks to Danny Peters (BS, 1971)
NICKNAMES
When Laura, Kate and Sarah get together, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. When Mike, Dave and John get together, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the restaurant bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though the bill's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When Laura, Kate and Sarah get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six or seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, a towel--and maybe some shampoo, if he's not bald. Some men just use the soap to wash their hair. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
HAIR CARE & STYLES
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, to meet friends for lunch, to visit her children's teachers at school, to go to medical appointments, to go to church... even to go to the post office. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
SELF-IMAGES
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Published February 17, 2017
CHICKEN CHUCKLES
Published February 3, 2017
The Birth of a Lizard
by A. Non
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put on my best lizard-healer expression and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies!"
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she asked. . . somewhat sarcastically, I felt.
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I decided to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth!"
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter asked. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. My wife, son and I drove to the vet, with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie's a male, a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they uh . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . .that . . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . Its. . . teeny little . . ."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I grumbled.
We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he said.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30. Wife's memory of her husband pulling on a lizard's weenie: Priceless! Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!
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Thanks to Danny Peters (CNC, '71, BS, Biology)for sharing this item.
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Published February 3,. 2017
James Thurber's
"The Little Girl and the Wolf"
and Some Typical Cartoons
Edited by A. Jane Chambers
James Grover Thurber (1894 – 1961) was a celebrated American humorist and cartoonist best known for his many humorous short stories and cartoons, most published in The New Yorker magazine, where he was employed from 1925 until his death at age 66. In addition to over two dozen books (some published posthumously), he also wrote two Broadway comedies, one of which, The Male Animal (1940, co-authored with Elliott Nugent), was later adapted into a movie starring Henry Fonda and Olivia de Havilland.
Internet photo.
One of Thurber's best-loved stories, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty," a favorite in my freshman English classes, was made into a movie in 1947, starring Danny Kaye, and then remade in 2013 with Ben Stiller in the title role. In 1969-70, there was a TV series I well remember, "My World and Welcome to It," based on Thurber's life, starring William Windom. Wikipedia describes Thurber as "one of the most popular humorists of his time," who "celebrated the comic frustrations and eccentricities of ordinary people."
He wrote over 70 short pieces in The New Yorker which he published in 1940 as a book entitled Fables for Our Time and Famous Poems Illustrated. Below is one of the best-known of the "fables."
The Little Girl and the Wolf(1939)
One afternoon a big wolf waited in a dark forest for a little girl to come along carrying a basket of food to her grandmother. Finally a little girl did come along and she was carrying a basket of food. "Are you carrying that basket to your grandmother?" asked the wolf. The little girl said yes, she was. So the wolf asked her where her grandmother lived and the little girl told him and he disappeared into the wood.
When the little girl opened the door of her grandmother's house she saw that there was somebody in bed with a nightcap and nightgown on. She had approached no nearer than twenty-five feet from the bed when she saw that it was not her grandmother but the wolf, for even in a nightcap a wolf does not look any more like your grandmother than the Metro- Goldwyn lion looks like Calvin Coolidge. So the little girl took an automatic out of her basket and shot the wolf dead.
(Moral: It is not so easy to fool little girls nowadays as it used to be.)
Internet photo.
A childhood accident almost destroyed Thurber's eyesight. While he and his two brothers were playing "William Tell," with real arrows, one brother shot James in the eye. He lost that eye and developed increasingly poor eyesight in the other eye. He was unable to finish his degree at Ohio State University because he couldn't take a required ROTC course. Also, drawing cartoons was increasingly difficult for him, requiring the wearing of special magnifying glasses from the 1930s onward. Below are a few of his more famous cartoons.
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Published January 20, 2017
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas
Published December 23, 2016
HOLIDAY SHOPPING
Published December 9, 2016
THOSE AUTUMN LEAVES
Published November 25, 2016
The Importance of Proofreading
by A. Non
Note:This humorous piece was sent to me in August, 2010, by Dr. Steve Sanderlin with this note: "Hi, Jane! I feel that the proofreading for THE BOOK was better than that for the items forwarded herewith! Bye! Steve." He died four months later. I can still hear him chuckling over this email, however. He loved a good laugh! The author of the clever comments accompanying these unintentionally funny newspaper headlines is unknown.
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial!
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy!
Enfield Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken?
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half Chain saw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?
His sister who loved prunes--------------------------------Gerta Gogh
His constipated uncle ----------------------------------------Kent Gogh
His little bouncy nephew -----------------------------------Poe Gogh
His grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------Hugh Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------------Amy Gogh
His Mexican cousin's American half-brother --------Gring Gogh
His ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------Tang Gogh
His magician uncle ------------------------------------------ Where-diddy Gogh
His aunt who taught positive thinking ----------------- Way-to-Gogh
His niece who often traveled in an RV ------------------Winnie Bay Gogh
( I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh)
Thank (or blame) 1971 CNC alumnus Danny Peters (B.S., Biology).
Published October 14, 2016
MORE PUNNY TOONS
Published September 30, 2016
CELL PHONE ADDICTION
Published September 16, 2016
Only in America
by A. Non
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America..... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet soda.
4. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......is the handicap stall in the public bathroom at the very end of the row of stalls.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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Published September 16, 2016
Do We Still Have Intercourse?
by A. Non
The eighty-six year old lady was having her annual physical examination. Her doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loudly:
"Larry! Do we still have intercourse?" There was a complete hush in the room. You could have heard a pin drop!
Then Larry answered, impatiently, "If I've told you once, Irma, I've told you a hundred times...What we have is Blue Cross!"
Published September 2, 2016
LABOR DAY
Published September 2, 2016
Little Son of a Bitch
by A. Non
Little Jimmy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, " Jimmy! What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he replied, nodding his head. "She told us to do it just like this."
Although infuriated, the mother said nothing more to her son that afternoon, but she called Johnny's teacher the next day and asked, "What kind of math are you teaching my son?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, I'm teaching the children addition."
The mother asked, "Are you teaching them to say 'Two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' "
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them to say was 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four!' "
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Published August 19, 2016
Gary Larson's
FAR SIDE Cartoons
in Color
Published August 19, 2016
SUMMER HEAT
Published August 5, 2016
Stolen Car Mystery
by A. Non
On a very warm summer afternoon the proud owner of a magnificent, perfectly restored 1956 Chevrolet convertible decided to take his car to town. It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, but he wanted ice cream, so he headed first to his favorite ice cream shop.
He had trouble finding a parking space, so had to park the car down a side street. He noticed a group of young guys standing around smoking cigarettes and eyeing his convertible rather covetously. He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but realizing people often just take an interest in such an old and well-preserved car, he went off to buy his ice cream. Since the line at the ice cream shop was long, it took him quite a while to return to his car. When he did, his worst fears were realized... his car was gone! He called the police, reported the theft, and then went back to buy more ice cream to calm his nerves.
About ten minutes later the police called him to say they had found the car abandoned, and apparently unharmed, near a gas station a few miles out of town. He was greatly relieved.
The officer who called told him that just before he had called the police, they had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a self-service gas station. She told them that three young men had driven in with this beautiful old convertible. One of them came to the window and prepaid for 20 dollars worth of gas.
Then the woman watched as all three of them walked around the car, looking at it, and then got in the car and drove off, without filling the tank. Why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never pumped and then abandon the car later and walk away? Scroll down for the answer ---
Thanks to retired Hampton police officer and veteran Jim Fronkier (Class of 1969) for this story, which could be true! The gas tank opening on my 1966 Ford Mustang was also hidden. Did you too have a car with a mystery tank opening?
Published August 5, 2016
SENIOR SEX
Published July 19, 2016
DOGS AND CATS
Published June 8, 2016
God Learns about Lawn Care
by A.Non
One day in May, while God was looking down at the planet Earth, he had the following conversation with St. Francis.
GOD: Frank, You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on planet Earth? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and other wildflowers I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan, with plants that grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from their long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green squares and rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: Hmm....Well, the spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD (incredulous) : Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: Well then, I guess these Suburbanites are relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. Creating the trees was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. They grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. Then, in the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have created a new cycle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD (exasperated): Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Published June 24, 2016
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MODERN WEDDING VOWS
Published May 27, 2016
WHAT MEMORIAL DAY MEANS
Published May 27, 2016
COMMENCEMENT CHUCKLES
Published May 13, 2016
OUR MUSIC
Published April 29, 2016
EXAM ANXIETY:
Two Timeless Solutions
by A. Non
The Money Bribe
A math professor was administering the midterm exam to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the male students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class period, the professor handed back the graded tests. This student with the $100 bill got back his test and $62 change.
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The Sex Bribe
An attractive female student enters a young male professor's office during his office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels before his chair pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam," she says, looking up at him. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."
He returns her gaze, "Anything?"
"Anything." She puts her hands on his knees.
His voice softens, "Anything?" He stands up.
“Anything," she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you ... study?"
Then he walks out the door.
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Published April 29, 2016
THE IDES OF APRIL
Published April 15, 2016
The Missing Gravy Ladle
by A. Non
Jon, a college student, invited his mother over to see the apartment he was sharing with a female classmate, Stephanie--"just a roommate." The two students prepared a lovely dinner.
During the course of the meal, Jon's mother couldn't help noticing how attractive Stephanie was. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between her son and Stephanie than met the eye.
Walking his mother to her car afterwards, and guessing at her thoughts, Jon said, "I know what you must be thinking, Mom, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie said to Jon, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find my silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose your mom took it, do you...maybe by mistake?"
Jon replied, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the apartment; I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that Stephanie's silver ladle has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Jon. Several days later, Jon received this email back from his mother:
Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie; I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.
Published March 25, 2016
EASTER FUNNIES
Published March 25, 2016
COMPUTER ROMANCE
Published March 11, 2016
PUN TIME AGAIN
Published February 26, 2016
Excerpts from Disorder in the Court,
by Charles M. Sevilla
Disorder in the Court was the first of three books by San Diego attorney Charles M. Sevilla listing things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Sevilla's other legal humor books are Disorderly Conduct and Law and Disorder. Below are photos of the book's cover and the author.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Published February 26, 2016
VALENTINE'S DAY
Published February 12, 2016
SNOWTIME FUNNIES
Published January 29, 2016
PUN TIME
Published January 15, 2016
Published January 15, 2016
OBITUARY: Pillsbury Doughboy
A great icon of the entertainment community has left us. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried today in a lightly greased coffin. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 10 minutes. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects. Among them were Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the Eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
